Crash and Burn

rejection-945x322

Wrong again
Always the same
Thinking
You can hold on
To a living flame
Favour glanced
Then away she turned
Leaves ashen heart
And advances spurned
Fooled
By desire
To feel the heat
Left feeling cold
And incomplete
A molten core
Of passion inside
Which has to dry it’s tears
……And hide
Because you got it wrong again
It’s always the same
Gagging on rejection
And choking
On shame
Fake humility
As hope is churned
As once again
You’ve crashed
And burned
 
Billy 04/02/2017
Advertisements

Life and Futility

futility.jpg

When you can’t get the words out
Or the feelings on the page
Brain just saying “Fuck you”
And refusing to engage
An internal tide of chaos
With no way to assuage
Too civilised, or programmed
To give in to the rage

The pain that burns inside
Leaves you virtually blind
You fumble in the dark
For any reasons you can find
Trying to collect
The scattered fragments of your mind
The ultimate desire
See what was broken re-entwined

But that way leads to hope
Hope never pays it’s way
Hope just makes suggestions
Of a path out of the grey
Hope’s a dangled carrot
First it’s shown, then pulled away
Hope is just a game
That we never asked to play

The thing I fear the most?
One day I’ll cease to care
And I’ll be less affected
As life pulls away my chair
One day I won’t react
When I see that life’s unfair
And I’ll just turn away from things
I just don’t want to bear

That will be the day I’ll know
That I just cannot win
And if I cannot see this through?
Then why should I begin?
The cards are stacked against us
And rigged to draw us in
The shit is always neck deep
There is no thick or thin

Billy 26/8/16

How Much Is Enough?

 

fatcat

How much is enough?
I mean seriously
Just how much is too much?
When you’re taking stock of “stuff”
When will you be satisfied?
You can see through the smooth and the rough
When you’re adding up all you have
How much is fucking enough?
What would it take you to stop?
And look into hungry eyes
What would make you feel their pain?
Pay heed, and want to stop their cries?
Just how much more will it take?
To maintain your cloudless skies?
When will you feel able
To turn from capitalist lies?
The World out there is burning
Your wealth fed by the fire
Every Dollar a child’s life
But your ears deaf to the screams
Bottom line justifies any cause
Personal greed still reigns
The waking World’s selfish desire
To achieve the American Dream
I look out and despair
The World just passes by
Never a single care
And no-one stops to question why
Soul, it seems, a handicap
As heart learns to deny
Blindness is a virtue
In this World that just wont try

Billy 29/11/2015

THE DAY I DIED

dead

Is there anyone there?
Can you help me?
I don’t understand
Why can’t I see?
Why can’t I even feel my own hand?
What’s happening? What’s going on?
Is that someone screaming I can hear?
Or a faint, distant song?
Why can’t I remember where I am?
What the fuck?, Anyone please?
Are those people moving around?
Or is it the movement of trees?
Think man, think!!!
Connect with your mind
What can you remember?
What can you find?
…… I remember…
….. A song …
I remember belting out the words
As I was driving along
That’s all, just a song
Hang on… Driving?
Oh no!
Please let me be wrong
Who is that fucking screaming?
I wish they would stop.. I can’t think
The noise is distracting, I can’t think
I feel numb like I’ve just had a drink
I’m sure I just heard my name called by a tree
A tree saying, “Billy, try to focus please on me”
Again, a voice asking me about pain
I’m beginning to doubt it’s a tree
That would be insane
The pain has just awoken memory
And that screaming?
It seems that’s me
I can see the paramedic
I’d thought had been a tree
It’s harder to focus now
Faces of loved ones passing in a flash
Snippets of memory
Leading up to the crash
The screaming’s stopped now
Or maybe I just can’t hear it anymore
All that’s left is a sad, bitter taste
And images of all those people I adore
I’d always hoped to go with dignity
A symbolic passing through a closing door
But fate, it seems, has other plans
So here I am on this cold, wet floor
There is a lesson here
A lesson about leaving things unsaid
About never holding back in life
Because of what may be ahead
You can count all your yesterdays
And measure time gone by
But what’s ahead is yet to be
And tomorrow is a lie

Billy 19/8/15

PAINSOMNIA

tossing and turning

Didn’t get much sleep last night
Wave after wave of throbbing pain
Groaning over the sound
Of the usually soporific, comforting rain
Trying to find a shape
Of peaceful repose
But only ever for a brief refrain
Then somehow it finds you in the dark, it knows
Twisting, writhing
Just trying to escape its grip
But tied there, caught in the rip
I’d sink if I were a ship
Asking the empty night
To just quietly past me creep
Shut the door behind it
And allow some blessed sleep
But no it’s there
Literally in my face
I wont get to dream again tonight
I’m not being granted any grace
Again I’ll wrestle with pillows
I’ll fight with the sheet
As the pain dictates terms
Of this waking defeat
And once again, the pain has won
Night-time bows to comfort’s thief
As all too soon the night is taken
Day steals in with no relief

Billy 14/8/15

Hiding Behind My Own Face

mask

You think you understand me, and can put me in a box
Even though the fear that drives me keeps me wary like the fox
You’re looking straight on at me, but can’t really see a trace
You only see what I let you see.. I’m hiding behind my own face

You’re trying to read a book when it’s closed, a truly pointless task
Looking to find a way within, to see behind the mask
You’re trying to see through barriers my pain has put in place
You only see what I let you see.. I’m hiding behind my own face

I know that need is in there, that desire to unwind
But tempered by my fear of facing up to what I’ll find
You’re looking out for turmoil, but finding only grace
You only see what I let you see.. I’m hiding behind my own face

You should be glad you’re not in here to ride my inner tide
Although I’m sure you have your own dark places deep inside
If only I could break on out, and feel the world’s embrace
But.. You only see what I let you see.. I’m hiding behind my own face

Billy 12/03/15 😀