Life and Futility


When you can’t get the words out
Or the feelings on the page
Brain just saying “Fuck you”
And refusing to engage
An internal tide of chaos
With no way to assuage
Too civilised, or programmed
To give in to the rage

The pain that burns inside
Leaves you virtually blind
You fumble in the dark
For any reasons you can find
Trying to collect
The scattered fragments of your mind
The ultimate desire
See what was broken re-entwined

But that way leads to hope
Hope never pays it’s way
Hope just makes suggestions
Of a path out of the grey
Hope’s a dangled carrot
First it’s shown, then pulled away
Hope is just a game
That we never asked to play

The thing I fear the most?
One day I’ll cease to care
And I’ll be less affected
As life pulls away my chair
One day I won’t react
When I see that life’s unfair
And I’ll just turn away from things
I just don’t want to bear

That will be the day I’ll know
That I just cannot win
And if I cannot see this through?
Then why should I begin?
The cards are stacked against us
And rigged to draw us in
The shit is always neck deep
There is no thick or thin

Billy 26/8/16


Downhill in all directions

Top Highest Waterfall

Nothing seems real
You forget how to feel
When you fall from the top of the World

No longer moved
By what was once a big deal
When you fall from the top of the World

It’s downhill all round
A long way to the ground
When you fall from the top of the World

Music has no soul
Just becomes an ordered sound
When you fall from the top of the World

Spirit seeking hope
Never finds any good
When you fall from the top of the World

A heart that once dreamed
Now splintered like wood
When you fall from the top of the World

No blessed relief
A happiness thief
When you fall from the top of the World

No spark left inside
Extinguished by grief
When you fall from the top of the World

Billy 21/08/16


Drifting aimlessly
Taken by current or breeze
Bobbing along on the surface
Looking as though you’re at ease
You used to have a purpose
A function, a small part of a whole
You used to have direction
A use, you had your role
But look at you now
Adrift, thrown over the side
No longer required
A purpose that is now denied
Deadwood, taken by the tide
Swallowed by your own pride
Spat out by life
And half dead on the inside
Destined to drift
With everything you want just out of reach
Your only hope?
To be washed up on some far flung beach
Picked up from the shore to become a vision
Of what someone else can fashion
A second breath of life
To  once more be the object of someone’s passion
Billy 2/7/16

I Feel



I feel for those
Who just won’t see

I feel for those
Who don’t feel for me

I feel for those
Stumbling over tact

I feel for those
Blocking out the facts

I feel for those
Denying how they feel

I feel for those
Who say it isn’t real

I feel for those
With their head in their hands

I feel for those
With their heads in the sand

I feel for those
Who look the other way

I feel for those
Finding nothing when they pray

I feel for those
Who have fallen for the lies

I feel for those
With terror in their eyes

I feel for those
With no trust in those who lead

I feel for those
Who chose our leaders out of greed

I feel for those
Who just don’t know what they have done

I feel for those
Who put their clouds before my sun

I feel for those
Who would silence my free voice

I feel for those
Who would stifle honest choice

I feel for those
Who will recognise this curse

And I feel for all
As it’s only getting worse

Billy 3/12/15



You don’t even notice it at first
The change almost imperceptible
Then you notice a nostril twitch
As it picks up something tangible
A memory, a flicker from within
As you register the scent
Still only a vague distortion
No recognition of what it once meant

And then it’s gone

You subconsciously start to seek
Tasting the air around
What was that presence I sensed?
Sensual, like feeling a sound
Another flicker
This one stronger than before
Like a block being removed
Someone’s opened up a door

Now you have it

Your 8 again, it’s teatime
The memory fills your soul
You’re at the kitchen table
Staring at the bowl
You’re racing back to ages
Left so far behind
You’re finding out how senses
Can play games with your mind

And there it is

Eventually senses align
And memories brought to light
And those faint stirrings deep inside
Are brought forth into sight
You’re standing in the street
With a glazed look in your eye
All caused by faintest scent
Of someone’s Homemade Shepherd’s Pie

Billy 11/07/15



You touched my conscience
Destroyed the chain around my heart
Filled it to bursting
And blew those links apart

Allowed a soul starved of air
To taste life’s breath once more
Found this broken person
And helped me off the floor

Showed me how to see again
And how to raise a smile
Reminded me of feelings
I’d not felt in a while

Drew me back to younger times
Smiles, though lined and dated
Arousing tides within
That had too long been abated

Travelling through time
Touching fresh, raw senses
Passing over warning signs
And smashing down defences

Mind a whirling maelstrom
That takes my breath away
Then I catch myself and bite my tongue
I almost gave myself away

Billy 5/7/15



When am I going to get my shit together for fuck’s sake?
I really need to give my fucking head a proper shake
Not sure how much more of this shite I’m willing to fucking take
Just sick of hiding the real me to be some kind of plastic fake

When will I accept I’m just as valid as the rest
Stand me up against anyone and put me to the test
But the simple fact is crap like that can’t really judge your best
All it does is re-affirm the shit that I detest

I need to find a purpose, set a realistic goal
Instead of swimming upstream, turn around and join the shoal
I mean lets face it, I’m mainly normal on the whole
But what’s the fucking point, when I’m faced with an empty bowl

How do you quantify something you can’t even define?
How do you make your mark, when all you want to do is shine?
Where’s the right to free expression, when you have to “toe the line”?
How can I call this MY world, when so little of the fucker is MINE?

Well anyway, I’m no-one, just another runner in the race
I join in, though it burns my Soul, I tire of the chase
But no one gives a fuck as long as I bow down with grace
Live, love, breed, fade, die… While taking up our little space

Billy 15/5/15